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Monday, April 25, 2011

The Wedding Date

Have you ever seen The Wedding Date, with Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney?  It’s your typical mediocre romantic comedy.  The plot goes as follows:  To make her 'Ex' jealous, the girl pays a male escort to be her wedding date and accidentally falls in love with him.  Soon the 'Ex' causes problems and a dramatic fight threatens to end the affair.  Luckily, in the end the girl and her male hooker live happily ever after and he leaves ‘the business’ behind.   It sounds pretty bad doesn’t it? 


For all its cringe worthy dialogue and unlikeable characters, one scene is the reason I watch this movie over and over.  Near the end of the movie, Debra Messing’s character is moping around her sister's wedding when her father provides her with the following words of wisdom, “I read somewhere that every woman has the exact love life that she wants.  If that’s true, I refuse to believe you want this!”
A few years ago, I read The Secret and always remembered a story about a lonely artist who wanted to date as many women as possible.  He was advised to paint a picture of what he wanted, so he painted several women and hung them around the house.  Before long he was going on two or three dates a day!  It’s a wonder how he kept all those names straight!!  After a few months of dating multiple women at a time the man decided he had had enough and wanted to fall madly in love with one woman and settle down.  This time he painted a picture of just one woman and hung it over the fire place.  Within a few weeks the artist met and married the woman of his dreams. 
These two scenarios got me thinking… can we create and/or do we have the exact lives that we want?
Last fall my social life was pretty slow. There were a few dinners here and there and an occasional night on the town but in general things were pretty ho hum.  After one particularly boring day, I decided that life was going to be much more fun.  I wanted as full a social calendar as one can get!
Last week my friend Lauren called to see when she could come out for a visit so I pulled out my calendar to check the dates.  As I scanned through the weekends, I noticed that every weekend from now through July was filled with some sort of social event/gathering.  Perplexed as to how this could be I began to look back.  To my surprise, I discovered that I haven’t had a free weekend since the middle of January!  I didn't plan anything, it just happened.  There were always unexpected visits or invitations, and fun events to go to.  Life must have been listening!
After coming to the realization about my social life, I began looking into other areas.  For years and years I was in a bad exercise pattern.  I would be completely gung ho at the gym for about 4 months, I would lose a little weight and then I would promptly quit exercise for the better part of a year.  Lately, however, my attitude toward exercise and my body in general has totally changed.  Last October I made a conscious decision to finally reach my goal weight and have my body look exactly the way I wanted it to.  It was going to look like the picture in my head come hell or high water.  My expectations are realistic, they just take a little time and a lot of sweat.  I never expected to wake up with blond hair, tan skin, washboard abs and giant boobs…life doesn’t work that way (and I wouldn’t want it to!)
It has been about six months and I am still exercising 4-5 days a week.  I hit my goal weight in late January and continue to work on toning.  The exercise and eating right no longer feels like a chore.  It has become a way of life and I intend to keep it that way.  For years I wondered if I could ever/would ever reach my goals.  Now I wonder what took me so long.  But I try not to dwell on shoulda, coulda, woulda.  I’m just happy where I am. 
After thinking about my body I moved to another complicated area, the love life. “Every woman has the exact love life that she wants…” Who in their right mind would take the blame for their own unsatisfactory love life? I decided that this area needed a thorough analysis.   
I began by examining my current state of affairs, which would be non existent.  As I attempted to convince myself that single women or men don't actually create their love life, I remembered a very interesting conversation from the week before.  During this conversation, I explicitly remember telling a coworker, “I have no interest in dating right now.  I am way too busy focusing on myself, my friends and upcoming events to be spending time doing the whole first date, mindless chatter nonsense.  ‘Hi, nice to meet you.  Where did you grow up?  How many siblings do you have? What do you do? What are your goals? Blah blah blah.’  On top of that there is the inevitable “does he like me?”, “do I like him?” conversation and the unpleasant “how do I get rid him?” dilemma…I’ll think about it next month.” After replaying this conversation in my head it hit me; I have created the exact love life that I wanted at this particular moment in my life.
What about you?  Do you have the exact love life that you want?  Did you create it?  Do single people secretly or subconsciously want to stay single?  There are countless passive ways to avoid commitment, even when you are in a relationship. Last summer I read this book called He’s Scared, She’s Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships.  I would highly recommend it to anyone, married or single.   The book talks about the ways in which commitment phobias manifest themselves.
Some people subconsciously choose partners who are wrong for them and then are mystified when it doesn’t work out.  Others pick apart potential partners while convincing themselves that there are greener pastures.  Many people pursue the unavailable/unattainable guy or girl until they become available/attainable, at which point they promptly lose interest.  Most people, married and single, would deny that they have any sort of commitment phobia but in truth a majority of people do.  And who could blame them? Commitment is scary! In relationships, however, it is important to learn how to decipher your fears from your true feelings.  Sometimes fear is what's keeping you from having the life that you want. 
The notion that we consciously or unconsciously create the life we have is incredibly complex and there is no right or wrong opinion or answer.  The key, as always, is to be honest with yourself.
Although I could probably go on for another few thousand, I’ll end here.  I would love to hear your opinions.  I have already created quite the stir around the water cooler.  Leave a comment or email me at ecal53226@gmail.com. 
Happy Easter Monday
~E

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Oh the Stress...

Nothing stresses me out more than my car.  Our relationship is strained at best.  I know about as much about cars as the price of beans in China.  ‘Car Speak’ is like trying to decipher an alien language and after about thirty seconds of trying to follow it my brain completely shuts down and we have to start again.  When the car makes a funny noise, I turn up the radio.  When the paint gets scratched, I say the car’s just trying to build character and assert its independence.  When the mechanic says it needs fixing, I say "Whatever, here's my credit card.  You lost me at 'the problem is..."  (Disclaimer: I am aware that this is a horrible way to deal with automobiles.  No need to remind me.)   
Most likely it is a fear of the unknown that causes my automobile anxiety.  Today, amidst the newest car quandary, I decided to research stress relieving solutions.  To find some suggestions, I went where every self-respecting person goes for answers…Google.
Google Search: Stress Relief Solutions:
1.  Cry Yell or Talk your way through stress relief- In my experience yelling obscenities at the car makes me feel much better!
2.  Take a Bath- This is a very good idea and can be very relaxing.  However, it would mean I’d have to go clean the tub which would just negate the whole relaxation part.  (Note to self: invent a self-cleaning Jacuzzi if they don’t already have one)
3.  Journal/write a blog- It helps get all your thoughts onto the paper and out of your head. Journaling has always been very helpful for me.
4.  Read-Find a relaxing quiet place to read your favorite book, magazine, tabloid or blog!  When you’re done reading mine and are in the mood for some humor check out my friend Kennedy’s blog at kennedycullen.blogspot.com!
5.  Eat well-Meaning healthy stuff! Deep fried anything doesn’t count as healthy. 
6.  Get Sleep-Getting 7-9 hours of sleep every night is hard for a lot of people but it is very important. 
7.  Laughter-Just start cracking yourself up.  I do it all the time!  Laugh at your own jokes if nobody else will!
8.  Listen to Music-Grab a hairbrush, crank the stereo and belt out your favorite tune.  “Jessie is a friend; yeah I know he’s been a good friend of mine…”
9.  Get Away- Whether you run away to a tropical island for a few days or play an extra-long game of hide and seek (where you hide really well and your kids seek), getting away can be the best stress solution.
10.  Yoga-This is a wonderful form of relaxation but it takes practice.  You might fall or look ridiculous but once you get the moves down I hear its very relaxing.  I have not gotten the moves down yet so it’s still uncomfortable at best. 
11.  Reduce Caffeine intake- You mean that the shakes aren’t normal?  I’ve only had a few Diet Cokes and one or two cups of coffee!
12.  Don’t Procrastinate- I have no comments for this one.  I’ll think of some later.
13.  Delegate Responsibilities-USE your support systems.  They are there for a reason.  If you don’t have a support system, go find one.  There are plenty of people/resources willing to help. 
14.  Face it and Take care of it- Sometimes it can really be that simple.
So, now that I have procrastinated, written this blog post, listened to music and attempted to perfect downward facing dog, it is time be responsible and figure out how to fix my car.
Stress is all around us and it can be overwhelming.  It can take many forms and can come from many different sources.  Whether it originates from loved ones or loathed ones, from inanimate objects or inconsiderate actions, the stress relief solution is always the same: face the stressor and figure out how to take care of it.  Stress isn't good or healthy. Remember to put yourself first and de-stress. 

~E

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Great Expectations

Great Expectations.  Really?  How great are they?  You go into life, relationships, jobs, events etc. with ridiculously high hopes and expectations that simply cannot be lived up to.  In my opinion, all these great expectations are good for is disappointment.  Have you ever noticed that you have the most fun when you expect to be bored out of your mind?  Life becomes a lot more gratifying when you give great expectations the ole heave ho. 
As many friends and I prepare to cross that threshold into our late twenties, we bring with us past expectations, new realities and hopes for the future.  By 25, some friends thought that they’d have children.  By 25, many friends thought they'd be married and living as far away from their parents as humanly possible.  By 25, I thought I’d be wildly successful and swimming in money at my gorgeous house on a lake.  In reality, however, most of us are childless, marriage-less and, for all intents and purposes, penniless. 
I sometimes wonder what would happen if I visited my 15 year old self and showed her the 25 year old reality.  She would have to face a world of ‘car repair bills,’ ‘credit card debt’ and 'Mr. Wrongs.'  I dont think she'd be able to handle it.  In my vision she's flailing herself onto her bed while sobbing uncontrollably into her pillow, utterly destroyed.  (She's very dramatic. I'm sure she grows out of that:)
Theatrics aside, the problem is that we are judging our real life satisfaction on the ideals of some 15 year old, naive little girl or boy.  When these great expectations don’t mesh with current realities, we get upset and frustrated.  For what reason?  Because some 15 year old thought they could plan their life?
Obviously having no expectations for the future is unrealistic.  Having expectations is completely natural.  But the key is to not let your expectations become so great that they overshadow all the wonderful things your life has to offer. 

Every few months I take a stock of everything in my life.  First, I write down what I like and what I dont, what works and what doesnt.  Then, I decide what needs changing, make a plan and change it.  Does my life magically change overnight? No.  Will your life be amazingly fantastic, all you ever dreamed of overnight?  Probably not.  It takes work and dedication but if you let go of all those great expectations, you learn to appreciate what you have.  And trust me, that can drastically change your life!

~E 

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Who you callin' Crazy...(For the Crazy Ones)

Being a modern woman, naturally I am an avid watcher of Sex and the City.  The summer after high school, my friend and I spent every Tuesday night watching the entire series.  Over the past 6 years, thanks to the beauty of syndication I have seen each episode at least three or four times.  However since the very first run through, one episode stood out to me.  No it wasn’t when Mr. Big and Carrie finally got together or when Harry wooed Charlotte.  It was the episode when Carrie was invited to the engagement party of Mr. Big and Natasha, aka the Idiot Stick Figure with No Soul. 
“Ladies, I am having an epiphany:  the world is made up of two types of women; the ‘simple girls’ and the ‘Katie’ girls.” ~Carrie Bradshaw
This past week, as I watched this episode for umpteenth time, I began to wonder why it was so special to me.  To get to the bottom of it, I decided that I would first have to figure out what type of girl I was. 
To determine the qualities of a simple girl I decided to examine the Idiot Stick Figure with No Soul.  She was beautiful, tall, thin, pretty and had straight hair.  (The character was played by a supermodel if that tells you anything about her appearance.)  Her style was high-end but more importantly she looked put together.  Not one hair was out of place and she was always groomed to perfection.  She was cordial, pleasant and always wore a smile.  I’m sure if she ever used a harsh tone or spoke out of turn she would feel utterly ashamed.
Although I am sure I have some of the afore mentioned qualities, simple I am not.  So it was time to examine the Katie girl.
To figure out the Katie girl, I had to take some Sex and the City knowledge and mix it with personal experiences.  On more than one occasion in my life I have been accused of being Crazy (‘a good crazy’…whatever that means!)  After taking stock of myself, I looked to the many, many crazy women in my life for inspiration.  (I know none of you are actually upset I called you crazy so wipe that ‘I’m offended’ look off your face and cut the attitude!:))
Although no two Katie/crazy girls are alike, I have come up with some general qualities that I am sure we can agree on. 
·           We always look good but are rarely perfect, talk about exhausting...ugh!  I have had to come to terms with the fact that despite my best efforts and advances in hair care, my curly hair remains dominant.  I have also accepted the fact that salsa will find the one tiny little area of white on my outfit!
·        We’re neurotic, slightly narcissistic and have been known to dance on a table from time to time.
·           We can recite all the words to our favorite childhood movies and songs.   Shockingly, I can recite the Back Street Boys, the Spice Girls and N’Sync to this day!
·       Common sense and a certain amount of tact is a must!  We don’t deal well with idiots or stupidity for long.
·        We are fiercely independent, sometimes to a fault.  Asking for help is a foreign concept and almost against nature (at least in my case).  'So what if there are 40 holes in the wall,  I hung that picture myself!!"    
·         Although we may do some wild things now and again we can usually get ourselves out of anything that we get ourselves into...usually.  And if a guy gets a little handsy on the dance floor I know my girls will be on it before I even know what’s going on.
·        We are almost constantly in a state of laughter and at the same time quite possibly the best shoulders in the world to lean on when things get tough.  We have hearts of gold and are certainly the best people I know!
As anyone who has ever watched an episode of Sex and City, love isn’t always easy for Katie or crazy girls.  Who knows if love is actually easier for the simple girls or we just assume that it is.  All I know is that for me, simple is boring!  I’d much rather be a complicated, sometimes nutty, often neurotic, riotously funny girl who cracks herself up on a daily basis.  And I’ve determined that some of us just have to dig through the trenches a little more to find the guys who can handle all that crazy business!
Before I sign off for the week, I wanted to let you know that I have elected a Crazy Girl theme song, Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right.”  Go forth and sing in any shower, mirror or hairbrush of your choice.
You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for
 ~E