Kissing Toads...

Have you ever kissed a toad?  Of course you have!  Everyone kisses toads in their lives. 

Hasn’t your mother ever said to you, “You’ve got to kiss a lot of toads before you get a Prince”?  Whether she used frogs or toads in her analogy is beside the point, both are applicable.  If by some stroke of luck your mother has never had to utter these words, consider yourself the luckiest person in the world.

Due to my recent dating adventures, my mother has once again passed the afore mentioned wisdom on to me.  I have determined the following: I hate when she says that!

Nobody wants to kiss a frog or a toad!  It’s gross.  I blame Disney.

For your amusement, I will now re-enact a toad encounter.

The setting is a nice, semi casual restaurant, complete with dim lighting and a secluded booth.  The choice is perfect for a dinner date because it’s not too fancy, where you are overdressed with a pair of jeans and a nice top, yet a step up from Arby’s you know he's OK.  It’s about thirty minutes into the mindless first date chatter that you realize this date isn’t going anywhere.

Your mind starts to wander a little. “I can’t believe I’m missing Real Housewives for this.  No, that’s bad.  This is good for me. Yes! Positive! Stay Positive!  I did set the DVR, didn’t I? Where is my brain sometimes?? Let’s see.  I curled my hair, then brushed my teeth, then looked at the dirty kitchen, then walked away from the dirty kitchen, then…grabbed the remote and set the DVR.  Awesome it’s done. Phew”

The time goes on and you give it an honest try by throwing some humorous remarks in there and trying to engage in the occasional witty banter.

As you finish the meal and engage in the “I liked the potatoes but the chicken was a little dry” conversation, you realize [CRAP] this date went a lot better for him than it did for me.  This is when you panic and prepare for the slightly awkward, I’ll walk you to your car, should we hold hands through our gloves action because you know the end of the night kiss is coming. 

Lips collide.  Maybe there were sparks, most likely there were not.  One or both of you lie, saying how great a time you had, you go back to your car and the date is over.  In the end it was all relatively painless but you find yourself in desperate need of some comfort.  This is when go home, grab some wine and see what excitement the DVR has in store. 

Maybe later you will call your mom, ramble on about how you are going to end up an old spinster who talks to her cats while knitting them scarves in her rocking chair and crying because she doesn't even like cats to begin with.  Her response to this highly theatrical musing will be, “Everything is OK.  You have to kiss a lot of frogs (toads) before you meet your Prince.”

And if your Mom is anything like my Mom, she will further comfort you by repeating this very familiar saying , “Juilliard called.  They are still holding a spot for you.”  From the other end of the phone, hysterical laughter commences.

End Scene.

For the record, I would like to say something on behalf of the toads.  In this circus act we call dating, women meet every kind of toad.  Toads come in all shapes and sizes.  There are pretty toads, average toads, big toads, small toads, loud toads, quiet toads and more.  There are also bat sh** crazy toads that are drawn to you for some reason or another and are in serious need of attention from mental health professionals.  I digress.

There is nothing wrong with these toads; they just aren’t the right toads for you.  Although I have never been a man, or ever claimed to know what they’re thinking, on some level the same must also be true.  Not every girl is a beautiful Princess.  Sometimes they go out with ugly/evil stepsisters and I am sure it is very frustrating as well. 

Frustrations when dealing with toads are inevitable.  That is what your mother, or friends are there for.  To tell you that someday one of those toads will turn into a Prince.  Until then, think of toad encounters as humorous collections of stories you can share for years to come.

Or perhaps until they get written into a book…things to think about.

Until next time,

~E