Going Home Again

~Thomas Wolfe once said, “You can’t go home again.”

This was the opening line to one of my favorite childhood movies, Now and Then.  Although I’ve watched this movie about a thousand times over the past two decades, I never gave the opening sequence much thought.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I used to fast forward through it!  However, as I am contemplating whether or not to move home myself, this scene has been much more important. 

The first time I moved away from home it was to attend college in northern Wisconsin.  After college I decided to move east to Virginia.  There was no particular rhyme or reason to the decision, I just wanted a change of scenery.  My original intent, upon my departure from Milwaukee, was to spend three years away, having fun and enjoying the weather.  Then at twenty five I would return home where I would fall in love, get married, and start popping out babies.  That was my master plan anyway! However, as many of you know, what you plan in life rarely happens. 

While conducting a little research on Thomas Wolfe, I discovered that his thoughts about going home went a little farther.  He says, “You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood, back home to romantic love, back home to a young man's dreams of glory and of fame...back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time--back home to the escapes of Time and Memory."

In some small part of my brain, I imagined that when I left Wisconsin life stopped, the metaphorical lights turned off.  Then when I visited from time to time, the lights turned on, we had a marvelous time, and when I was ready to leave, once again the lights turned off.  As ridiculous as it sounds, it’s pretty common.  For example, at a wedding last year, my mom reconnected with a friend who was shocked to hear that my sister and I had grown up!  To her, we were still the same as the last time she left us…six and nine!

In reality, the life I left no longer exits.  My family is the same and yet very different.  My little cousins are now in High School and driving (an absolutely terrifying concept!)  Soon enough they will be leaving home, off to begin their own adventures.  My friends who stayed in Wisconsin all have new jobs, new friends and new lives.  Although I am sure they would welcome me back with open arms, everything has changed.

The concept of home changing without me was something that my younger, naive, adventure seeking self never thought about.  Even though there are familiar faces, roads and buildings, moving home means creating another life; mixing the old with the new and trying to figure out where I fit in. 

Another part my younger self failed see, was the fact that I like my life in Virginia.   If I go back, what happens to the life I made here?  I’ve spent three years trying to make this place my home and the idea of leaving it is much more difficult to grasp than I anticipated.  It has taken me this long to finally get street names down, how can I up and leave?  I have made new family, new friends and a new home.  Am I ready to leave a place where I am really happy? 

I could pro/con the decision until I’m blue in the face, but I have always been a believer in going with your gut! So I will just say to be continued...  I have eight months before I need to make my decision so I intend to live it up and not worry too much!

Now I’m going to relax and watch all the pretty people in the pretty dresses walk down a pretty red carpet. 

~E

Ps  There have already been some ‘Jets vs. Sharks’ type battle plans between my Virginia friends and Wisconsin friends.  Let’s keep it clean people…you know I have a horrible guilt complex!