The idea to write a post about sibling relationships hit me a few months ago but the writing never really come together. I would write a paragraph or two but almost immediately decide they were garbage and completely unworthy of hitting the save button. Yesterday, however, my roommate handed me this article called, “Sibling Rivalry Grows Up,” by Elizabeth Bernstein and I guess you could say that the creative juices started flowing.
If you think about it, our sibling relationships are the longest relationships we have. They outlast parents and children, aunts and uncles, boyfriends and girlfriends and even husbands and wives. That is probably why they are such a royal pain in the ass.
Growing up, I was a huge ‘Sister, Sister’ fan. They were best friends, had so much fun, did each others hair and my delusional eight year old self thought that this was what most sister/sibling relationships were like. The fact that none of my friends had an easy or perfect relationship with their siblings didn’t seem to influence my thought processes because after all, TV is real. Everybody knows that!
From the womb, I’m guessing, my sister and I were off to a tumultuous start. I gave her a stuffed Grover as an initial peace offering but I was very unsure about this peculiar interloper. You see, I was Numero Uno. As the first grandchild on both sides, for three years I was the Grand Marshall of this parade and master of this circus...literally. Suddenly there was an adorable new float in town and the parade route changed directions. The new float was shiny and soft and got more ooohhhs and ahhhhs than I ever remembered getting. The new kid in town got every one's attention and even got the better tortoise on our family trip to South Dakota.
I had to act fast. Things were spinning out of control and my world was changing. When she started to move around I became privy to some very pivotal information that only older siblings know...if I do something, she want to do it too! Genius!! I became her leader and she blindly followed me wherever I want to go.
This arrangement was working perfectly until my parents decided it was time for her to start talking and making her own decisions (parents ruin everything). Throughout our adolescent years I would say we had our moments. Sometimes we would laugh until our stomachs hurt so bad that we physically couldn’t laugh anymore and other times there would be hair pulling or shoulder punching or a combination of the two. The whole “I’m not touching you” finger to the face trick is still one of my least favorites.
People always used to say to me, “Someday you and your sister will be best friends.” I thought they were full of crap.
Now here is the part in my story where many of you, I’d imagine, are waiting for me to say how harmonious and wonderful our relationship is now that we are older. Well, reality bites. I love my sister to death and if anyone tried to hurt her there would be a whole lot of crazy coming their way. But this whole idea of a perfect sibling relationship is myth, in my opinion.
In terms of our relationship, I would say that it is a continual work in progress. It is always a relationship that I want to get better but that takes time. There are 20+ years of fights, jealousies, grudges and laughs. People go through therapy after 2 years in a rough relationship, do you honestly think this sibling stuff gets fixed overnight? Um, no.
It is my experience that sibling conflict arises for the following reasons; either you are too much the same, incredibly different or a fierce combination of the two. We are a fierce combination of the two. Here is a typical exchange between my sister and me.
Her-“Ugh, you are too girly.”
Me- “Sweatpants and athletic sandals, what a new look for you.”
After, we exchange faces at each other and go about our business until we come together to find something to laugh at our parents about because they are the crazy ones after all. We are both stubborn and want to be right. We fight the same and have the same thought processes. Conflict is easy when it is with someone who knows you better than you do…or someone who knows your next move.
At the end of the day, you keep trying because they are you and you are them. You have the same DNA; no one else can say that! Contrary to popular opinion, that means something. They aren’t friends, they aren’t neighbors, they aren’t partners...they are siblings. Love them or hate them, you can’t change that…and, if you’re like me, at the end of the day, no matter what the fight or the hurt feelings; you wouldn’t trade them for anything.
xx B
~E
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