For all its cringe worthy dialogue and unlikeable characters, one scene is the reason I watch this movie over and over. Near the end of the movie, Debra Messing’s character is moping around her sister's wedding when her father provides her with the following words of wisdom, “I read somewhere that every woman has the exact love life that she wants. If that’s true, I refuse to believe you want this!”
A few years ago, I read The Secret and always remembered a story about a lonely artist who wanted to date as many women as possible. He was advised to paint a picture of what he wanted, so he painted several women and hung them around the house. Before long he was going on two or three dates a day! It’s a wonder how he kept all those names straight!! After a few months of dating multiple women at a time the man decided he had had enough and wanted to fall madly in love with one woman and settle down. This time he painted a picture of just one woman and hung it over the fire place. Within a few weeks the artist met and married the woman of his dreams.
These two scenarios got me thinking… can we create and/or do we have the exact lives that we want?
Last fall my social life was pretty slow. There were a few dinners here and there and an occasional night on the town but in general things were pretty ho hum. After one particularly boring day, I decided that life was going to be much more fun. I wanted as full a social calendar as one can get!
Last week my friend Lauren called to see when she could come out for a visit so I pulled out my calendar to check the dates. As I scanned through the weekends, I noticed that every weekend from now through July was filled with some sort of social event/gathering. Perplexed as to how this could be I began to look back. To my surprise, I discovered that I haven’t had a free weekend since the middle of January! I didn't plan anything, it just happened. There were always unexpected visits or invitations, and fun events to go to. Life must have been listening!
After coming to the realization about my social life, I began looking into other areas. For years and years I was in a bad exercise pattern. I would be completely gung ho at the gym for about 4 months, I would lose a little weight and then I would promptly quit exercise for the better part of a year. Lately, however, my attitude toward exercise and my body in general has totally changed. Last October I made a conscious decision to finally reach my goal weight and have my body look exactly the way I wanted it to. It was going to look like the picture in my head come hell or high water. My expectations are realistic, they just take a little time and a lot of sweat. I never expected to wake up with blond hair, tan skin, washboard abs and giant boobs…life doesn’t work that way (and I wouldn’t want it to!)
It has been about six months and I am still exercising 4-5 days a week. I hit my goal weight in late January and continue to work on toning. The exercise and eating right no longer feels like a chore. It has become a way of life and I intend to keep it that way. For years I wondered if I could ever/would ever reach my goals. Now I wonder what took me so long. But I try not to dwell on shoulda, coulda, woulda. I’m just happy where I am.
After thinking about my body I moved to another complicated area, the love life. “Every woman has the exact love life that she wants…” Who in their right mind would take the blame for their own unsatisfactory love life? I decided that this area needed a thorough analysis.
I began by examining my current state of affairs, which would be non existent. As I attempted to convince myself that single women or men don't actually create their love life, I remembered a very interesting conversation from the week before. During this conversation, I explicitly remember telling a coworker, “I have no interest in dating right now. I am way too busy focusing on myself, my friends and upcoming events to be spending time doing the whole first date, mindless chatter nonsense. ‘Hi, nice to meet you. Where did you grow up? How many siblings do you have? What do you do? What are your goals? Blah blah blah.’ On top of that there is the inevitable “does he like me?”, “do I like him?” conversation and the unpleasant “how do I get rid him?” dilemma…I’ll think about it next month.” After replaying this conversation in my head it hit me; I have created the exact love life that I wanted at this particular moment in my life.
What about you? Do you have the exact love life that you want? Did you create it? Do single people secretly or subconsciously want to stay single? There are countless passive ways to avoid commitment, even when you are in a relationship. Last summer I read this book called He’s Scared, She’s Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships. I would highly recommend it to anyone, married or single. The book talks about the ways in which commitment phobias manifest themselves.
Some people subconsciously choose partners who are wrong for them and then are mystified when it doesn’t work out. Others pick apart potential partners while convincing themselves that there are greener pastures. Many people pursue the unavailable/unattainable guy or girl until they become available/attainable, at which point they promptly lose interest. Most people, married and single, would deny that they have any sort of commitment phobia but in truth a majority of people do. And who could blame them? Commitment is scary! In relationships, however, it is important to learn how to decipher your fears from your true feelings. Sometimes fear is what's keeping you from having the life that you want.
The notion that we consciously or unconsciously create the life we have is incredibly complex and there is no right or wrong opinion or answer. The key, as always, is to be honest with yourself.
Although I could probably go on for another few thousand, I’ll end here. I would love to hear your opinions. I have already created quite the stir around the water cooler. Leave a comment or email me at ecal53226@gmail.com.
Happy Easter Monday
~E
The Wedding Date is a great movie. Not sure how anyone could find that story line bad. ha-ha. Relationships are scary, expecailly when you have been burned in the past. I guess I just always hope in the end it works out and people come in and out of your life for a reason.
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